New Customers

We encourage everyone, regardless of age, sex or religion with over £10M in liquid assets to apply for an account. We insist that a minimum of £8M be kept in balance at all times in all accounts but let’s face it. If you can afford to bank here, £8M is a trivial amount of money.

If funds fall below this level at any time, we will take a member of your family for collateral until such time that the funds are replenished. With our executive cells deep in the heart of our vaults, you can rest assured that your relation will be taken great care of and if the incarceration is short enough, we are pretty sure that not many ill effects will result. Not replenishing funds to sufficient levels may unfortunately result in permanent damage. You may take out our unique ‘Debt Incarceration Insurance’ policy which covers your lawyer costs in the event of loss of limb or life of your family member.

Our accounts are designed for the discerning client who wants to feel a sense of superiority over others who do not have an account here. With our unique diamond card accepted in dozens of stores worldwide, we are confident that the bragging rights and the exclusivity of our banking facilities will appeal to many.